Christine / Abathyr
Big questions - Who am I? What do I really desire?
The fact is right now I'm a person who is coping. I've been diagnosed with metatastic melanoma which, in spite of the dirth of information coming from my oncologist, is one of the more deadly cancers. I tried at first to joke this off or play it down. I didn't tell anybody until very recently.
But the coping part is more than just the cancer and its treatment. It's also wrapped up with inability to work, no income, no support, constant fear of homelessness and a whole host of physical and emotional issues.
So this "About Me" section is really "About Me at this moment in time which isn't a full picture of ME". I'm all of the above but I am also many other things.
Some of the things that have defined me...
- I hate writing bios
- I'm 61, female, overweight, living alone, way too isolated to be healthy, depressed most of the time
- Dying is a real possibility now as it has never been before. I find I'm not so afraid of dying as I am afraid of 1. leaving parts of me behind and 2. dying alone and unremembered.
- I'm college educated. I used to be a special education teacher. I used to be an aerobics instructor, weight lifter, exercise addict.
- Starting with the advent of the internet, I have been a self-employed internet programmer / web designer. Seriously, I was there at the beginning, learned coding from the very scratch, before we had the ability to display images. I saw the birth of tables! Since tables are now largely defunct newer web designers might not think that's a big deal, but trust me, it was.
- Loves - flowers, animals of all kinds, good coffee, chocolate chip cookies from scratch, the smell of just-mown grass (instant spirit-lifter!), my dogs
- I am totally committed to healing all of me, all of my parts, my damaged soul bits, and bringing myself back to wholeness with love. There is nothing more important to me than this. Nothing. Except maybe chocolate chip cookies.
The future of Who I Am remains to be seen but I am planting the seeds by first asking the question "What Do I Desire?" And waiting for answers to bubble up through the mass of old pain and judgments and patterns.